It’s there, carefully seated somewhere among declensions and substantival positioning, under 15 unfolded loads of laundry and 2 days of dirty dishes, hiding behind worthy arguments that rote out lies, crouching beneath the desire for more time. This truth, that while at times the awesome can be so loud its roars rouse you in the morning, most days it is merely a soft, murmur curling inside your chest, reminding you that you are more than the sum of your circumstances. Or the consistent failing to be master of your surroundings.
Too many things to do, most done in distraction. Books to read, words to memorize, floors to clean, clothes (always clothes) to wash, lunches to pack, conversations that need to be had, art projects that demand looking at, hands that need holding, and hugs that need doling out. Too many moments slip by, without notice because there is simply too much. It’s all too much. And there’s never enough time to do them in, nor enough time to do them all well. At times it feels insurmountable. It is certainly something that can cause the awesome to feel less, to dim in my eyes.
But there comes a point when the awesome has to admit that some things are going to have to be left undone. At least in the here and now. This is not a failing. It is not a waste. It is the trappings of a material life lived in finite quantity. Eternity will one day (or non-day, depending on how you look at it), stretch out it’s vastness before you, with untold stores of time in which to experience perfection. There will be more time.
Until then, I will allow myself grace. The unfolded laundry and dirty dishes don’t diminish my awesome. I am still, at my core, me. My blatant trouble with Koine cannot define who I am. I will attend to the things that are important: studies, the laughter and snuggles of my children, the voice of my husband, the nearness of my friends, but most importantly, the presence of my God.
And I await the day (or non) when my awesome has the time and space to unfurl, to stretch out into eternity and breathe in the vast expanse of it all.
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