I was going to…
Do you have those days? The days of grandiose plans. The moments of world-conquering clarity and vision; sweeping in their scope and magnitude of motivation. They’re heady. Some days are full of the “going to’s.” Each idea stacked upon another, a glorious tower of possibilities.
Today didn’t start with a clear vision of my awesome. But, I did awake with at least an awareness of its presence. I’m starting to notice that it’s always there. And as I rushed through the morning (yes, I got up late and yes, I was exhausted still), I wondered what I could say about the awesome today. I had ideas, half-formed and neglected in the frenzied foreign-language quiz review. During my to-and-fro commute, I began to plan; words spilling out of my grey matter, with nothing to catch them. Verses like children on a trampoline, popping in and out of my conscience…but the day wore on, responsibilities crowding out my intellectual garden party. And when I turned around again to sit at my computer and flesh some of these ideas out, it was 11 o’clock p.m. Hardly time for adequate research. Not even enough time for a coherent thought to gather itself together in my very weary brain.
Today ended up being an “I was going to” kind of day.
And sometimes, the feeling of failure tucks me in at night. Mocking whispers in the shadows. “You’ll never…you won’t…you can’t…” These lies that tarnish the awesome, make my eyes blurry to it. I do my best to respond, vehemently at first, “I’ll start _____.”/“Tomorrow, I’ll do _____ better.”/“If I _____, then I’ll be good enough at _____.”
And I get up, the very next morning, determined to do my absolute utmost to keep these promises to myself. As if the awesome depends on it.
But you know what the rest of that pattern is? The other consistency? I invariably fail. Partly because I’m human and that’s what we do. It’s who we are (in a fallen world). And partly because I expect too much from myself; because in my own strength I can’t maintain the awesome.
So today, at the end of yet another “I was going to” day, I’ll let the awesome answer the shadow-voices. I’m going to simply rest in the awesome. It’s not going to creep away in the night. I can’t fail so much that it’s going to abandon me to the darkness. No more “starting-tomorrow” promises. Just the awesome, expanding in my chest, seeping through my veins, and filling up me.
And I know this to be truth; because the awesome says so.
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